We’re not taught how to have a good relationship. We are taught what NOT to look for, but we are rarely what to look for — what our personal values are and what theirs are. So, say you’re a few years into marriage, with a few kids, and now what? It’s probably time for some serious soul digging. Here’s an exercise that we all should be doing with our partners, even when things are good — and when things are tough, it’s even more important.
Why did you fall in love with this person in the first place? What was the attraction? What are his reasons for falling in love with you? Put these on paper — both what yours were and what you THINK his were. Have him do the same for you.
Next, have an honest conversation and exchange papers. Were you right on what he was attracted to? What happened to that person? Are you still there or have you allowed yourself to be worn away by life? Has he? What are your top 10 personal values, parental values, and spousal values?
If you find any values that are on all three lists, you know that those are your “do not mess with” values. Does your spouse know these values? Do you know his? How are each of you violating the other’s values, without knowing it, and causing unnecessary angst? What are your THOUGHTS about growing older with someone? What are his? This may surprise you.
Many times we have hidden messages we picked up from our parents, friends or even TV that have woven themselves around our beliefs, and are now making an ugly appearance. Now write down what you WANT growing together to be. How do you bridge that gap? Most often, this bridge is made by becoming the person you are desperately seeking in a mate.
A gal who had been married forever once told me the secret to a successful and fulfilling relationship is to find a mate who agrees that a relationship should involve 90% giving and 10% receiving. Release your expectation of what HE should be doing, and concentrate on just being and giving. A fantastic oil that can complement your work together is Believe. It helps us release the emotions of despair and inadequacy, and it fosters positive emotions of hope and inspiration. Awaken is another great one to use because it is a blend of so many fantastic oils that help in emotional situations.
Now, this solution does not apply to any situation where there is abuse: You deserve better, always. There is little that can be done for a spouse who is physically, mentally or sexually abusive without serious professional help. If this is you, please let us know, and we can connect you with help immediately.